The Russians are Coming! (So is SOPA.)

So, I haven't posted in forever. Do you even remember my name? No? That makes two of us.

 I was somewhat disappointed yesterday when half the internet shut down in protest and only today did I really and truly find out why! (SOPA/PIPA) Obama is trying to spy on us, censor what we post, take over our lives little by little, etc. WE'RE DOOMED.

 And it's not like Mitt Romney is much better. And Newt Gingrich is sort of angry...

 HAS NO ONE NOTICED SANTORUM?

 My life is depressing.

 So, about the title, let me put it this way: I'm Russian. It isn't hard to tell, if you meet me.

 I don't smile. (Kidding, of course.)
 I don't make jokes. (Well...)
 I will kick your butt if you even look at me wrong.

 While the above isn't entirely true, it is true to a degree. If you've never met a Russian, you've never truly met a tough person. Not to mention, you've never been truly frightened, or truly entertained. They're so tough it's just hard to get around and you end up laughing about it so you can disguise the overwhelming fear that you're about to die.

 I'm Russian, so I can make racist jokes like this.

 Y'all need to meet my grandma. She's eighty-four and still perfectly normal. She frequently threatens my uncle, who lives with her, saying, "Imma punch you in da nose!" Yes, she speaks English. No, she is not losing her mind. But she is the definition of a Russian woman.

 Really, if you look it up in the dictionary, you see her picture.

 But as for someone who really looks Russian, you gotta see pictures of her parents who actually came from the "Old Country."

 And you thought I don't smile...

 In other news, my family has recently gone gluten free. My mom and my sister were both diagnosed with celiac disease, but I haven't actually figured out if I'm allergic to gluten or not. I can't stop eating pizza long enough to find out. (No, I'm not obese. Am I fat? Heh... somewhat. ;) )

 Really, though, you won't find any wheat in our house. I guess it has a lot of health benefits, and it can help you loose weight, but if I'm offered a slice of cake, I'm not gonna refuse!

 So my sister and I went food shopping today. (I drove. Yes, we made it. Would I be posting this if we died? Don't answer that...) At Walmart. If you've never seen the videos entitled "Walmartians" then you really don't know what we encounter on a daily basis while shopping at this place. Yes, there are people out there who go to Walmart on a daily basis.

 We were in line, ready to check out, and my sister sees a bag of chips and goes to read the ingredients. She wants to know if she can eat it because of aforementioned celiac disease. The kind lady in front of us who was wearing a coat that looked like the remains of a lion, starts going, "Oh, don't read the nutrition facts! That'll spoil the fun!" Where my sister retaliates, "I have celiac disease. I can't have gluten and I wanted to see if I can eat this." And Lion Lady replies, "Oh it's ok, you can just make up for it later!"

 What part of autoimmune disease don't you get? She could end up with MS, genius!

 So Lion Lady goes on to tell us that you just can't quit cold turkey. Which is weird, cause we're actually doing fine. (Except for me.) She's just jealous and insecure because my sister has a shape like a model.

 Back off, boys. I'm always packin'.

 And I'm Russian, in case you forgot.